We're Making Pluto a Planet Again, and Dinosaurs Didn't Have Feathers
Editor’s note:
Due to some nonspecific but nevertheless, let’s say, rather terse communications from the office of US FCC Chairman Brendan Carr regarding my content recently, I have agreed to some changes to make this newsletter less "partisan." To that end, please welcome this week’s guest contributor, Atticus V. Smudd.
Though he needs no introduction, Atticus Veritas Invictus Smudd III has under his belt three semesters of undergraduate Business Studies at Sacramento County Waldorf University, at which point he was recruited to DOGE under the codename Agent PwnerBoner, overseeing the department’s Top Kek division. He is now the Special Assistant Associate Director of White House Social Media Communications in Washington D.C.
Friends,
We’re making Pluto a planet again.
As you surely recall, Pluto was taken from you by an act of cowardice by the Woke astronomical establishment in 2006. The planet’s discoverer—the first American to discover any planet, let alone the Greatest planet, as Pluto surely is—was not even ten years in his grave when Barack Hussein Obama’s administration made the Treasonous decision to defecate upon the astronomer’s tremendous legacy, simply for the mere crime of having been an American Patriot.
This was neither the first, nor the final, assault that these Woke Elites would launch against the heart and soul of Western culture; Its very root—the American Childhood.
I’m here to deliver the good news: We are Bringing Your Childhood Back.
As we speak, President Donald J. Trump is drafting an Executive Order that dinosaurs did not have feathers. This is one of the most egregious falsehoods pushed in recent years by an increasingly discredited scientific establishment that also wants us to believe that, not only do we have more than five senses, the real number is—if you can stifle a laugh—somewhere between 22 and 33.
That’s right, they’re doing to the senses what they did with genders—inflating the numbers even worse than Biden’s gas prices. The same pattern repeats. Let us be clear: The proven reality of five, and only five, distinct senses—sight, touch, smell, taste, and sound—is so well established that it was already common knowledge by the time of Aristotle. It is only natural that the Woke Elites will want to cancel Aristotle for the mere crime of being a Christian.
So of course the latest decree passed down the secular corridors of power is that dinosaurs had feathers—that is to say, that they were homosexuals.
The left always does this. This evil, insufferable compulsion to sexualize childhood! Young boys love dinosaurs. If you’re going to put feathers on them it’s only a matter of time before your young lad starts listening to Taylor Swift records.
The Woke assault on our Western culture must end, and we are ending it today. President Reagan knew how to keep these demons at bay. Every American who remembers or has studied history knows that the 1980s were likely the best decade of modern American history. I only wish I had experienced it, but my father reminisces of it on a constant basis. He was 14 in ’88, a fine year, one of the finest, despite the Democrats’ best efforts to derail the nation with the Iran-Contra Hoax.
That is what we aim to bring back. Friends, your fondest memories are of small delights like ramping bicycles and drinking from the garden hose. You will do this again. You will drink deep of that rubbery, sun-warmed elixir as you gaze upon the bronze skyline. This is the birthright that we are returning to you.
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Under the direction of our new Based FCC, we are taking the “messages” out of our entertainment. We are taking film and television and gaming back to its original intention—to entertain, not to indoctrinate. The media today is awash with distracting political messages that have no right to encroach upon our idle downtime. The films of the 20th century had no such nonsense. Instead we fondly recall light entertainment like “Fern Gully,” which we are also bringing back.
During this American Golden Age we will aspire to produce more remakes and sequels to our beloved franchises than ever before. At least 14 remakes and 88 sequels are currently in production, starring the characters and worlds that you adored from your youth. With our President’s Wisdom and under the watchful eye of Media Patriot David Ellison, we are ensuring that Hollywood ceases to waste energy and money on Woke Slop Box Office Disasters like “Sinners” and instead focus on continuing beloved American franchises like “Rush Hour.”
President Trump works tirelessly to make this happen, all for you. He is intervening to roll back disastrous attacks on our heritage like “updating” the “Cracker Barrel” logo, which had stood unchanged since our great-grandparents were young. Thanks to our President you can walk into any Cracker Barrel and be welcomed by the same logo that a young Judy Garland would have gazed upon. This is the connection to our yesteryears that is being preserved and restored from Woke Destruction.
Our President is restoring Freedom of Speech by removing from the airwaves toxic Radical Left Marxist Unfunny “comedians” like Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, and Jimmy Colbert. We yearn for, and will have again, the great, proud, conservative comics of the past, like Bill Hicks and George Carlin. Breaking the Leftist Monopoly on comedy and excising Radical Communists like Bill Maher will “pave the way” for true comic visionaries like Greg Gutfeld and Rob Schneider. This is the proactive, militant enforcement of free speech that will define our Golden Age.
We will go back to a time when diversity was rightly considered a weakness. How can we, in good faith, call our “diverse” nation strong when our President has been marked for death by three homosexual transgender assassins? True American strength reigned in the 1950s, when Whites and Blacks lived together as equals, in harmony, under one, monolithic, patriotic culture, without the discrimination inherent to DEI. This is why we are rolling back the disastrous “Voting Rights Act” that wrecked this harmony in 1965.
Under the phenomenal leadership of Secretary Kennedy we are Making America Healthy Again. Until the Hussein Obama regime, the United States was the healthiest nation on Earth. Nobody had ever heard of “vaccines” before that ruinous administration. Before the Obama Opioid Crisis, there were no “medications” or “addictions.” Alcoholism and painkiller abuse weren’t a thing at all until the stresses caused by the Democrats’ Financial Crisis. Our brave soldiers were heroic, strong, and mentally healthy until Bill Clinton flooded the military with homosexuals. We would subsequently need to invent the term “post traumatic stress disorder” to describe the broken minds of our weakened armed forces after the horrors they experienced in Obama’s disastrous Middle East Wars.
Enough. Secretary Kennedy, the blood of America’s most prestigious conservative family flowing through his veins, is putting our nation’s health back on track. Autism rates in our nation’s children skyrocketed during Michelle Obama’s devastating “carrot sticks wrapped in lettuce leaves” school lunch catastrophe that ruined a generation of lives. Look at any photo of a crowded American city street from the 1950s and try to spot any obesity or autism. This was a time where there was a diner on every street corner and Americans proudly ate a diet consisting of cheeseburgers, milkshakes, and fries cooked in beef tallow.
With the return of healthy tallow-based diets and the defunding of the Corrupt Medical Diagnostic Establishment, chronic disease diagnosis per hundred patients has already dropped to 14 from an astonishing 88 during the Biden Tyranny. It will keep going down, friends. It will go down faster than Barack Hussein “Noted Homosexual” Obama.
You may accuse me of “living in the past,” and in a way you wouldn’t be wrong, but that does not mean that America has no future. Friends, we simply make the past our future, in a futuristic way that embraces our past. We are not simply bringing back “Star Trek,” we are making it our active reality. President Donald J. Trump, who has a deep love of science, has returned to a Patriotic mission that no president has embarked upon since Richard Nixon conceived of the Apollo Program: To put men on the Moon.
And so, just a few weeks ago, that mission came one step closer to reality when NASA boldly sent three men into Lunar Orbit aboard Elon Musk’s “Artemis” rocket.
President Trump and Elon Musk’s next mission is to propel Western Civilization to the Stars. This will be many times more challenging than the Moon mission—the closest solar system to our own is almost ten times the distance between Earth and the Moon. But with Elon in charge, anything is possible. To the skeptics I can only offer 14 simple words: “We must secure the existence of our people in outer space—thanks, Elon Musk.”
As Americans we reject the Chicagofication that has ripped the soul out of this nation since the Kenyan Dictator knocked down our picket fences and replaced them with meth labs; Since Bill Clinton shuttered our roller skating rinks and replaced them with meth labs; Since Joe Biden demolished our meth labs and replaced them with Jeffrey Epstein.
Our heritage is our legacy. To our forefathers, whose past is our future legacy, to which we, in our future, will go back and return, I raise a warm glass of hose water in toast. And to our children, whose childhoods will be our childhoods, which we are bringing to the present and future from our past and moving forward…
Well, it is as President Reagan said: "Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for the future."
– Atticus V. Smudd
SPD, here--I've been granted permission to add a quick note here that I'm writing a book about reactionary geek culture in the first quarter of the 21st Century, where it came from, and why we're in such a mess today. The working title is How Geeks Ate the World and if you like this newsletter then you'll probably like my book. If you're unsure, the good news is I’m going to be dropping parts of the draft into this very newsletter as the project comes along—but only for paid subscribers. So if you want to read along in real time, please consider subscribing. Otherwise I’ll be keeping you in the loop. Check it out here!
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