🔒 We're Making Pluto a Planet Again, and Dinosaurs Didn't Have Feathers

Editor’s  note:

 Due to some nonspecific but nevertheless, let’s say, rather terse communications from the office of US FCC Chairman Brendan Carr regarding my content recently, I have agreed to some changes to make this newsletter less "partisan." To that end, please welcome this week’s guest contributor, Atticus V. Smudd.

 Though he needs no introduction, Atticus Veritas Invictus Smudd III has under his belt three semesters of undergraduate Business Studies at Sacramento County Waldorf University, at which point he was recruited to DOGE under the codename Agent PwnerBoner, overseeing the department’s Top Kek division. He is now the Special Assistant Associate Director of White House Social Media Communications in Washington D.C.

 Friends,

 We’re making Pluto a planet again.

 As you surely recall, Pluto was taken from you by an act of cowardice by the Woke astronomical establishment in 2006. The planet’s discoverer—the first American to discover any planet, let alone the Greatest planet, as Pluto surely is—was not even ten years in his grave when Barack Hussein Obama’s administration made the Treasonous decision to defecate upon the astronomer’s tremendous legacy, simply for the mere crime of having been an American Patriot.

 This was neither the first, nor the final, assault that these Woke Elites would launch against the heart and soul of Western culture; Its very root—the American Childhood.

 I’m here to deliver the good news: We are Bringing Your Childhood Back. 

As we speak, President Donald J. Trump is drafting an Executive Order that dinosaurs did not have feathers. This is one of the most egregious falsehoods pushed in recent years by an increasingly discredited scientific establishment that also wants us to believe that, not only do we have more than five senses, the real number is—if you can stifle a laugh—somewhere between 22 and 33.

 That’s right, they’re doing to the senses what they did with genders—inflating the numbers even worse than Biden’s gas prices. The same pattern repeats. Let us be clear: The proven reality of five, and only five, distinct senses—sight, touch, smell, taste, and sound—is so well established that it was already common knowledge by the time of Aristotle. It is only natural that the Woke Elites will want to cancel Aristotle for the mere crime of being a Christian.

 So of course the latest decree passed down the secular corridors of power is that dinosaurs had feathers—that is to say, that they were homosexuals.

The left always does this. This evil, insufferable compulsion to sexualize childhood! Young boys love dinosaurs. If you’re going to put feathers on them it’s only a matter of time before your young lad starts listening to Taylor Swift records.

 The Woke assault on our Western culture must end, and we are ending it today. President Reagan knew how to keep these demons at bay. Every American who remembers or has studied history knows that the 1980s were likely the best decade of modern American history. I only wish I had experienced it, but my father reminisces of it on a constant basis. He was 14 in ’88, a fine year, one of the finest, despite the Democrats’ best efforts to derail the nation with the Iran-Contra Hoax.

 That is what we aim to bring back. Friends, your fondest memories are of small delights like ramping bicycles and drinking from the garden hose. You will do this again. You will drink deep of that rubbery, sun-warmed elixir as you gaze upon the bronze skyline. This is the birthright that we are returning to you.

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