🔒 You Are Your Memories and the Present Doesn't Exist

Recently I went into hospital for a routine endoscopy, allegedly.

 I’ve had it done before, so this time I knew what to expect, but the first time was before I’d ever heard of “twilight anaesthesia.” For those who are as unfamiliar with hospital knockout drugs as I was, twilight anaesthesia differs from general anaesthesia in such a way as you experience some consciousness during the procedure, but it erases your memory of it.

 The first time I had this procedure done I remember the events either side of it clearly enough: I was lying in the hospital bed surrounded by medical personnel who prepped me. They inserted the IV, they wrapped the blood pressure cuff around my arm, they put the clip on my finger, they put the plastic thing in my mouth and the tubes up my nose. And then the plastic thing came out, the tubes came out, and they started unhooking all these devices again. I asked if something was wrong and if they were aborting the procedure. They said it was finished. I thought they were joking.

 Ordinarily with medical stuff it’s better and easier the second time around because you know what to expect, but in this case, this is the very reason it’s kind of worse the second time. I both did and didn’t know what to expect. The first time I had to do this, the only thing I knew about anaesthesia was they were going to put me out. Turns out it’s more complicated.

 There is a very strange kind of anxiety that comes out of knowing that you are going to consciously experience an invasive medical procedure, knowing that you’ll be fine afterward, but not because it’s not a horrible experience. It probably is a horrible experience. If I knew it wasn’t, then it would be much easier to get to it, get through it, and get past it.

 In a very real sense, to me, I was about to experience something for the first time, for the second time. If I ever need to do this again, it will be for the first time, for the third time.

 So, did I experience something, or did I not?

 Forgive me, I haven’t been much in the mood for social commentary this week, so we’ll make do with some philosophy.

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